Listening to the radio this morning as I waited for my cousin. He said he was going to have his bath and meet me, we are going to register to vote. I don’t know if he is swimming in the bath or what but I have been here a very long time and my tonic water is now hot.
The radio host has started a discussion on taking advice on a partners ex. The story comes from a tale of a guy who was out drinking in a pub where he gets chatting to a guy and they find out they have mutual friends in common. The first guy finds through the course of the conversation that his fiancee is the ex girlfriend of the second guy. Second guy has purely negative things to say and its now making him think twice.
My view on this, there is a reason why those two people are ex’s and there is a reason why the two of you are getting married. If the ex had nice things to say, then I would get worried as there could be some lingering feelings still there. I probably wouldn’t get into that conversation in the first place, in the same way I wouldn’t ask my present beau about his past partners. The past is in the past, let it stay there locked away. The responses from callers are what I would expect. Some say the ex would know your partner more than you so they would hear them out, others say no, for all you know there are still feelings and some jealousy that the ex has moved on so are trying to spread poison. The odd one or two say leave it all to God. I would think if the relationship has got to the point of marriage you would have studied the person long enough to know the persons character so why do you need further information.
If my ex’s new girlfriend was to approach me, could I think of anything positive to say, probably if I thought about it, but my first instinct would be to tell her he’s a thief, a liar and a cheat, he’s lazy and always looking for a quick solution. He blames others for his problems and I wish him a miserable rest of his life. If he was to speak to my present guy he would say I was a bitch who when he needed me the most left him, he did everything to make me happy but I didn’t appreciate any of it.
Fair enough, we broke up and it wasn’t pretty. The truth is, we were not compatible, we had different outlooks on life, that’s not to say he may not be a good match for any woman out there. Just not for me. What pissed me off about him, may not be a bother for someone else. I may meet someone tomorrow who loves the fact that I say what is on my mind, he may meet someone who loves the fact that the fridge is always stocked with cans of Stella Artois and may look at it that the fact that he boozes at home means that he’s not shagging around outside. It all depends on what direction you want to go on, and if your partner is willing to take that journey with you.
When I met my ex also, I was in my early 20s. No responsibilities, we were both still at school drinking away our student loans, neither of us really had a 10 year plan. However 5 years down the line, that chapter of life had ended and we were about to face a new one. We were not the same people anymore (well I wasn’t anyway). Even the person I am today is not the person I was nearly 4 years ago or even last year. Yes the basics are still the same but life has happened, I have faced different experiences. So the person I meet today will meet a different person to the one I was 10 years ago.
I have not seen him in a few years, he may have changed, so my facts are based on the time that we were together, he’s 41 this year but I was with him for 6 short years of that, what do I know.
One caller said what if the person is a wife beater or something like that. Well, again, if you are going to get married and you have studied the person well, you will be doing so because you love them despite of their “issues”, and if a person has a real temper, I think you would see it yourself, you don’t need somebody to tell you that. A character trait like that can be hidden, but not for so long that you didn’t see it. My ex had a temper. I saw that pretty early on in the relationship I didn’t need anyone to tell me that he had one, and I have to admit I went on knowing that one day his temper could probably hurt me one day. I don’t think they suddenly change from really calm to a wife beater overnight. The signs are there at the very least.
Then there’s the jealousy factor. Some people just don’t like their partners to move on, it’s a case of, if I can’t have him/her, nobody can. We are human beings. I met a guy once that I dated, nice guy but he didn’t have “the spark”, I heard he got married recently. I felt a pang of jealousy, not that I wanted him back, just that he had moved on and I was still single. If his wife to be had asked me what he was like, part of me would want to say he’s an arse (although I would like to think I would say the truth). But not everybody would be so willing to say that this person is a really nice person, we were just not meant to be. So it is more a case of sour grapes than a character flaw against the person.
Well, my cousin just called, apparently a drainage problem in the house, but we are leaving now, hope its quick as I have to get to work, knowing Ghana though, it will be a long thing, at least I told my boss I was coming to register so he is prepared to see me after 10.
So to sum up, taking advice from an ex, I wouldn’t advise it, as I said, there’s a reason why there is an ex, 9 times out of 10 it is because of incompatibility. God didn’t intend for us to be the same which is why what is sweet for one person is bitter for another. As they say, what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. What I would say is take the time to study the person. Study the company they keep. Communicate. If he or she is a cheat, you will find that out long before you declare to the world that you want to be together. So why take advice from someone who no longer forms part of their life in that way.